Always 70 and Sunny
Always 70 and Sunny

F3RVA Presents: Swirly’s First Annual Nutcrackle-er


14 evergreens rose to the trumpet call this morning for a dose of culture and crushin’ it. Here’s how it went down.

This year is the celebration of the 125th Anniversary of the Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker.  If you are an avid listener of the podcast and/or happened to be at Batteau two weeks ago, then you already know that F3RVA’s very own Swirly is a grand patron of the arts — particularly the Richmond Ballet’s acclaimed annual performance of this holiday classic.

So, while the Richmond Ballet hosts their dress rehearsal this weekend, Swirly was rather disappointed to learn that he wouldn’t be able to attend to add his suggestions to the artistic director and choreographer this year. It turns out he had DOUBLE BOOKED himself by agreeing to do an Ultra Marathon with TYA. YHC saw this as his humble chance to recognize Swirly for his devotion to high culture and hopefully to put just a little more Sugar Plum Fairy dust in his step this weekend on the race course.


If the PAX gets a few beers into Swirly, he will go on and On and ON and ONNNN about the stagecraft of this scene, so there was no better place to start. The story begins in home of the Stahlbaum’s for a Christmas Party. 

16 SSHs (IC)
10 Don Saabotes (IC)
A LIFO slaughter start to welcome Circle K of 20 merkins (OYO)
10 Imperial Walkers (IC)
30 LBCs (IC)
20 more merkins (OYO)
10 Nutcracker Soldiers (IC)


Mosey to the sunken lawn in front of the Carillon. Line up along the sidelines like a nutcracker army.

Tim the Bears: Polar Bear Crawl to the other side. Al Gore. Polar Bear Crawl back. Al Gore.

Lunging Bulgarian Ball Busters: 5 lunges forward, then two-count reverse lunge with a high-knee kick. LBBB over. Al Gore. LBBB back. Al Gore.

TTB>LBBB: Tim the Bear over, LBBB back. Plank for the six.

This is the scene where the Nutcracker becomes a human prince. YHC believes that Flipper and Saab became figurative “human princes” as YHC saw them express their empowerment to “Take Back The Night” thanks to those ballbusters.


Drosselmeyer – a town councilman, toymaker and magician – is Clara’s godfather . In the ballet Clara falls asleep at midnight and while she’s falling asleep she sees him atop the clock as it strikes twelve.

Mosey to the circle near the amphitheater.

Using a lightpost as “12 O’Clock” Mouse King Crawl to 3 O’Clock on the clock face to do three burpees. Mouse King Crawl to 6 0’Clock to do six burpees. All the way around for nine and twelve to finish. Al Gore for the six.


Mosey to the bottom of the amphitheater.

Escalator Up: Do one 2-Count Russian Twist (AKA American Hammer) on every step and add one as you go up to 18.
Escalator Down: Do 18 Cossack Dips (alternating single leg dips) on the way down to 1.

Since the Land of Sweets turned out to be very salty, during tonight’s performance, the Cossack Dips were replaced by alternating Lieutenant Danilovs (Lt. Dans) or in the end most everyone except Flipper and Circle K (or Swirly or Bleeder?) ran out of time.


Mosey back to the flag for a two minutes of Mary encore, dealer’s choice.

Swirly – Single Leg Lifts (IC 10 each leg)
HoneyDo – Freddy Mercurys (IC 20)

Number-rama. Name-a-rama. Sippy took us out.



Circle K is known to come in hot, but this morning he was molten. At his speed coming up the road as the PAX ran the other way, one might think he drove all the way from South Hill earlier this morning once he bungee corded that tarp over the hospital sign to shut it down. YHC wanted to make us easier to find, since he’d be late, but there was some mumblechatter that Circle K is part bloodhound and would find us no matter where we went.

Time flies when the PAX is having fun! The workout barely let YHC run the PAX run at all. YHC had a Dora 125/250/375 and a Nutcracker Triple Check planned. Ah well. The Cossack Dips were awesome, but that was FAR TOO MANY of those. YHC will take a page from Lab Rat and apologize. The F3 Exicon needs more Nutcracker or Russian-themed exercises. YHC hopes we see more lunging ball busters and cossack dips in the future.

In all seriousness, this was YHC’s first Q since he sprained the ever loving crap out of his ankle back in August. Glad to be back in the saddle, thanks to the PAX for giving YHC 45 minutes of your day, it was an honor.

Merkin Count: 85

We’re going viral!


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  1. Swirly (F3 Corporate) on

    Okay – the bar is set this week – not sure who will top this BB ! Well done Viral. Glad to have you back on the Q sheet too buddy..
    Yea well this whole nutcracker thing has been a nightmare – so here is some advice for the pax – if your M says we are going to the nutcracker your response needs to be wonderful honey – not BS my ass ain’t going to no nutcracker – when you say the following your m turns into the ice princess and believe me she’s no fun…
    I enjoy plays and the symphony is cool but this ballet thing man – well that’s a tough one for ole Swirly to swallow.-
    especially since I’m missing a VCU game with by boys.. dont worry though – i’ll make it – Bag Balm – it’s like WD40 for the balls and i’m gonna lube up – you do that before the ballet right ? 🙂

  2. I second Swirly here, BB of the week is wrapped up. Great theme and beatdown but you can leave those Cossack Dips out next time.

  3. My tardiness this morning was not due to the trip from South Hill, but rather my slowness in getting in gear. No fears, the Jeepster knew I was running late and the damn car was driving itself to AO at Bleeder speed. While I am confident I would have found the PAX, I appreciate you making it easy. Great Q Viral. Flipper was putting a martial arts spin on the BallBusters ballerina move that would make Bruce Lee and Dolph Lundgren proud. I send HoneyDo’s note regarding the Cossack Dips.

  4. Excellent Backblast Viral! The Pablo Escobar dips were brutal! Circle K, you may need to take a a little wedge out, the wheels weren’t screeching enough on the apex of the corner.

  5. Holy theme batman. Well done Viral! I might just have to ask for some demonstrations of these exercises at 45 MOM tomorrow.

    Thanks for the nod to the prayer requests!

  6. BB of the week Viral. Almost 20 years ago I swore I would never sit through the Nutcracker again. Yours not only snuck up on me, but it was much more enjoyable…(i.e. I was able to stay awake).

    Did anyone tell Swirly that it is customary for male attendees to arrive in period-costume? (see above)….I’m sure TYA has some flesh-colored tights he can borrow.

  7. You think my Bulgarian Ball Busters were lively you should see my Arabesque or my Pleat. Have we gone totally freaking soft… well if it’s good enough for Herschel Walker it’s good enough for me. Viral for Gods sake get to work.. that BB must have taken an hour… and it’s epic by the way. Great Q… to all my ultra civilized F3 brothers Au revoir

  8. “to all my ultra civilized F3 brothers Au revoir”

    Both of them thought this was a hoot (probably)

  9. Well done to all! Flipper, I’m just glad we few could bring some high culture to this PAX of Philistines

    I’ll be eager to hear the updates from the race course for Swirly, but we all know he’s gonna do great. Go get ’em!!