Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my daughter. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way. What happened to the doll? It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us.
Nine great men joined together a couple days early to celebrate. Before I went over the 5 key parts to F3, I mean Festivus, we did some warmups in honor of my favorite Seinfeld episode that featured opposite George. Because if every instinct I have is wrong, the opposite would have to be right. We did some reverse arm circles (10 big then 5 small), then some forward, then some Mercury Freddies followed by reverse scorpion kicks. We flipped over on our belly and did some reverse flutters and finished with the bell and some reverse merkins (presses).
We reviewed as a group the 5 principles of Festivus. 1) There is an aluminum pole with no decorations (I find tinsel distracting). The pole was proudly displayed on the sidewalk 2) It begins with the airing of grievances 3) Their is a meal 4) It ends with the Feats of Strength and 5) Be on the lookout for a Festivus miracle(s).
The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with some exercises and now you’re gonna hear about it. We went around the circle and announced what exercise we had a problem with and then we all did 20 of such exercise. I started. I have a problem with sit and presses on pavement as it gives me a tramp stamp. So we did 20. While likely not 100% accurate, I think we then went with Fireman Ed having a problem with Halos, Byproduct having a big dislike for Overhead Pulls, Offshore had a problem with American Hammers, Pigskin with Bearcrawling with the bell, Fudd has a problem with Merkins using the bell with one hand and alternating each hand with each merkin, Attila and his back have a problem with swinging (that’s what she said), White Deer dislikes plank rows and Johnsonville has a problem with overhead presses. 180 counts later, we were done. We bonded as a family telling these 9 exercises how they disappointed us over the past year.
We then had an AMRAP meal. One member of the pax ran to the pole, did 3 burpees and ran back while the group did an exercise. We did 3 rounds of curls, lawnmower pulls, WWII, bear crawl/crawl bear, rifle carry, squats, OH press and flutters with bell. Between rounds we ran around the bus loop.
All right, everyone. It’s time for the Festivus feats of strength. I used cones to create a small square field for the competition. Each member would duck walk with hands behind our back and try to knock over each pax. Using your hands is illegal and you must stay inbounds. Last man “standing” wins. Let’s rumble!! Nine went down to four as Attila, Offshore, Fireman Ed, Fudd and Pigskin all were eliminated. The final four of Byproduct, White Deer, Johnsonville and YHC faced off. Johnsonville eliminated Byproduct while YHC found White Deer distracted by the lights and knocked him down in an upset. Johnsonville and YHC then faced off.
Fireman Ed: I think you can take him, Whitesnake
Whitesnake: Hey, come on. Be sensible.
Johnsonville: Stop crying and fight!
Whitesnake: Oh, oh I give. I give! (Johnsonville charged and forced me to go out of bounds)
Johnsonville: This is the best Festivus ever!
There were a few Festivus miracles identified. Johnsonville at Circus was definitely one. Attila not making any jokes about the “pole” was another. I think the biggest was having nine pax. There were nine seasons of Seinfeld! And we did 180 reps during our grievances and there were 180 episodes!
Following the COT, many of us went to Starbucks to celebrate Johnsonville’s victory. I awarded him a certificate showing a donation made in his name to the Human Fund! Congrats!!
I hope Festivus scratched you right where it itches. I put the pole back in the crawl space and it will be back next year.
