My brothers, just over two years ago, I, like many of you, was looking to find that something that was missing in my life. I maintain that I was not a Sad Clown, but by no means was I fulfilled. That all changed when by happenstance, I met a guy named Patton Gleason (no chance his junior year HS picture was ever displayed in a mall near the Food Court with a name like that). As google would indicate, he was a TED Talk giving, Style Weekly 40 Under 40 winning, dark jeans wearin’, random 80s baseball knownin’, energy machine who would introduce me to the greatest brotherhood I’ve ever known; F3RVA. It was that energy, that I fed off of, from day one. So for that Hardywood, I will be eternally grateful.
I could spend all day on here telling each of you how much you mean to me, truly. There will never be a way for me to repay you for what you have given me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s wild to wander through this journey and slowly start to realize that 1st F is about the 5th reason why F3RVA truly matters. I can only hope that as others come in, they will be as lucky and fulfilled as I have been.
Now then, it’s time for Senior Wills (if you were in a frat, you will understand. If not, continue reading anyway). To those listed below, I leave the following (to my other brothers, consider yourselves lucky to have escaped the seriousness):
Hardywood – More perfection. You don’t have enough of that in your life.
Swirly – More drive and determination. If only you could increase the intensity. HOOOOLD IT!!
TYA – The ability to be more of an individual. You clearly are a lemming. Someone once told you that Massachusetts held the First Thanksgiving, and you’ve been following their lead ever since. Oh, and it is debatable who is the best player in NHL history. It’s naught yar falt.
Kubota – Be more generous with your time and support. You are too selfish.
Flatty – Chill out on all the negativity. Find some positivity in your life, brother.
Saab – Always pack Immodium for BRR (seriously, this isn’t supposed to be funny).
Circle K – Repeat after me: Biscuitville, yes. Coors Light, no.
Ollie: “What’s the Frequency Kenneth…”
Flipper – We’ll always have Sudley Seahorses and me sleeping through your midnight power run at BRR. How about some Fun Dip, to say I’m sorry.
EF Hutton – Shut up and listen more. Less Macho Man impressions, and more Smith Barney.
Big Tennessee – A better wiffle ball changeup.
Gumbo – I’m gonna need you to win more. At life and at F3RVA. I can only associate with champions, and sweet ‘staches.
Upchuck – A bigger brain, and less fear of approaching strangers.
Handshake – a taste for Scotch.
Wilson – My entire Dance Party CD collection and a sense of humor. Lighten up, bro.
Hitchhiker – Hana. Doo. Set. Net. Daseot. Yeoseot. Ilgop. Yeodeo. Ahhop. Yeo. Oh, and you are a real bad ass (seriously).
Bodos – Kittens, rainbows, and an endless supply of yo-yos.
Pucker – Smaht Pak.
Rosie – A better attitude. And maybe a bit more sincerity.
Bleeder – Batteries for your Tron and astronaut armband iPod holder for dark mornings. #Nantan
Gomer Pyle – A better understanding of black and white. There are no shades of grey. The sooner you get that, the better.
Lugnut – Annual run to the Capitol. It’s only 6, 7, 8 miles or more.
Wedding Singer – More Super Bowls with asterisks.
Spit – Trips to Starbucks in Arlington.
Sarah – Straight A’s.
Swiper – My vote when you run for school board.
Shakedown – The ability to give and take sarcasm. Seriously. I’m joking. Maybe.
Marmaduke – #HTTR
Don Draper – Try Hard may be a cult leader. Blink three times if you need help.
Offshore – Beakers and test tubes (but I’m not filling them).
Salley Girl – 6 inches minimum at all times between you and runners knees on the trail.
Wojo – Free wedding hors d’oeuvres (must be redeemed by May 2021).
Sippy Cup – You too, talk to much. And when you do, it’s empty words. I need to learn more when I talk with you. Oh, and bigger calves.
Lockjaw – Repeat after me: I can post without Q’ing.
Bootleg – You really lack inner drive. It’s quite honestly, a problem.
Phonics – The ability to run more like a gazelle and less like me.
Opus – Smurf Jacks.
Mudface – you write Back Blasts to fast. Slow down and think about what you want to write before you post them. Maybe consider a few drafts.
Splinter – My Gheorghe Muresan collection (not really, but it’s the thought that counts).
Honeydo – A 12 month ginger fro.
Bone Thugs – Teddy Ruxpin tapes and Jhoon Rhee.
Lab Rat – Gently used yoga mats.
Oyster – Your own chickens.
Double Mint – Minny Vinny; What else is there?
Faceplant – BMW medallions that don’t get destroyed in the car wash.
Malpractice – My puke bucket that you held at my very first beat down.
Seymour – Floor Slaps are the greatest (call them every time you get the Q during a Hot Potato).
Slurpee – Shared custody of my puke bucket from my FNG beat down that you Q’d (I tell people you still exist, I swear).
Recall – Patience. If you are gonna ride with us, you need more patience.
Tobit – Drop my name anytime at the Chic Fil A at Elon.
Sugar Sock – A better, more in-depth name by Hardywood.
Corned Beef – When you post in C’ville, you don’t know me.
Try Hard – The ability and patience to change your name on all of your F3 items. It’ll be a full blown Snickers commercial. Oh, and a weekend with Dredd.
Flange – Free corn hole lessons. The Retreat is right around the corner.
All future FNGs – Swirly won’t kill you. As long as you do exactly as he says.
Love all of y’all…